What is this Life, who charted this journey, why am I here, why are certain people brought into my life, what am I supposed to do here, who am I responsible and obligated to, do I have the right to choose, what is right and wrong, what is this society, whom do I listen to?
Bunch of questions that have clouded my adult life, more so now than ever. I am sure everyone experiences it. Why do these thoughts make me unsettled, feel off center & queasy? I do not have the answers, I have some thoughts on them & so do others around me. Ultimately each individual has to ask & answer these questions for themselves, nobody else's answers really fits your life. Our life is our own journey studded with our perceptions, experiences and hopefully our inner wisdom.
If there are only unique answers, what then are these societal norms? Is there a one size fits all, one path to life that is the correct path? What does correct path mean anyway, where does it lead to? Does studying well, being a good dutiful offspring/sibling, marrying and begetting progeny lead me to the goal of life? What is the goal? I don't know anymore, some scriptures say its enlightenment, some say to fulfill your duties and live according to Dharma, while others talk of freedom from craving and aversions - The Dalai Lama says happiness is the goal of life.
All through life I tried to tread the path that conformed to what society called was right. But it seems like life had its own path charted out for me, no matter what I did, it forced me on the road less travelled. So I am on that path, its a lonely road with no maps to tell me what lies ahead and its dark as hell with no flashlight to see where my next step goes. Its so dark that I can't see the past behind me either. In some ways its exhilarating to not have to worry about the past or the future but the wind carries the constant mockery, the prodding of voices from the road most taken. Are these voices in my head or is it just the wind playing with me, I don't know, I do know that I feel unsettled, unsure, judged and blamed. It could all just be my mind playing tricks on me.
My mind is weary,yet I trudge on, ocassionally I hear voices of encouragement and love that infuse me with strength to carry on. I no longer have the choice to leave this path for I have crossed the point of no return, I can take a step at a time, I know I can do that. I also know that I no longer want to be a burden on anyone, but yet I hear voices saying I am hurting my family and causing them grief. Well for once in all my life this path is my own, I did not wish to be here, it was my parent's choice that I exist, I used as much free will I could to live according to other's wishes, now I am free, alone but at peace. I don't care what I find at the end of this road, don't care if I stumble & fall on my next step. I don't know in what & whom I have faith in but whatever force placed me here, will hopefully guide me on.
The only prayer I have is that my actions not hurt anyone, my voice bring sweetness and comfort to others, my actions bring them joy & may my life not be a burden but a source of support to my family. At the end the only free will that I have is to tread the path sincerely, savour every moment, act with compassion from my heart and wisdom from my inner being.
